Fruit Cake's Laments

2011-08-28T00:31:00.000-07:00

i need a reason.
i dont have a reason.
i want a reason.
you cant give me a reason.

lost in transition
lost in pain
lost in thoughts of suicide
and still here i stand

i am numbed
i am drugged
i am aching
but you just dont care

i can scream
i can cry
i have screamt
i have cried

i havent got the guts to kill myself
and my cowardice is depressing.

help.

Don't bother

2011-08-20T01:14:00.001-07:00

everything that people say about relationships is bullshit.

love doesnt make the world go round

attraction doesnt lead to love.

relationships are inter-dependant reliance on people who arent exactly reliable.

you end up falling over trying to fall in.

because the pillar aint sturdy enough.

they never are.

best to just run solo.

theres no miracle, no sparks, no merry go round.

faith in others usually brings about a whole bowl of pain and heartaches.

disappointments and tears are a weekly occurrence.

you come out into the world alone, you're gonna walk out of here alone too.

so why bother?

Here's my bag again

2011-08-03T23:42:00.000-07:00

can we force our destiny?

can we really look for that thing that is elusive?

can we make happiness?

I thought we could, but i guess i was just a silly girl with no actual grasp of reality.

Reality is realizing that we can't always get what we want, no matter how much we want, how much we fight for it.

Reality is knowing to go with the flow and change your life where it takes you.

Reality is accepting the fact that you will never find any real sense of love, nor happiness.

Reality is you.

No one else is a reality to you.

Tout s' efface avec le temps.

Out of strength.

2011-07-27T01:31:00.000-07:00

There's always a way.

No matter how bleak the situation may seem,
no matter how dark the future holds,
There's always a way.

If God's threw the problems at you,
He knows you can handle it.

Obstacles are there because God wants to keep you busy until you are with Him,
so face it with a pinch of salt,
because it is not paramount.

Everything will be fine at the end,
if it is not fine, it is not the end.

So God, please help me.
I have ran out of strength.

Protagonist or Supporting Actress?

2011-05-30T08:53:00.000-07:00

People always say that you should not let the world revolve around you.

That being, you should not be self obsessed and narcissistic.

And that being said, would you rather be a protagonist in your own life or the supporting actress?

Would you rather care only about yourself and live a life where you are the only being that is centered in your daily agenda?

Or would you rather live a life where you can stand back and assist others who needs help around you?

Where you can live a vicarious happiness from the people who has attained it from your help, or empathize in the sorrows that the people around you faces?

Rambles Shambles

2011-04-30T00:10:00.000-07:00

Why is it that people seemed more incline, or rather, more willing to disappoint the people they are closer to than mere acquaintances?

Is it because they feel that the people whom they are closer to will understand and accommodate to their whimsies than those who aren't as close?

Is that why so many relationships and marriages fail?

Because people tend to disappoint their spouses and partners more so as they are led to believe that their partners will be more understanding to their plight?

But if one were to shed this issue in another light, one will realize that one would rather lose the person who matters less to them than the people they cherish.

And in that perspective, they will be more likely to put their priorities in check.

One of the many drawbacks of the art of possessing is the inability to empathize the impact of loss.

And when that empathy eludes you, you will put what is worthy to you to jeopardy.

I Fear The Fear Of Fear

2011-04-23T10:30:00.000-07:00

Someone please guide me to the end of the tunnel where the light shines bright and cheery,

Where no darkness will prevail and devour me..

where my soul will not be shred asunder..

where my tears are nothing but crystals...

Someone please hold me cold, clammy hand,

tell me everything is going to be just fine,

and that the demons would not take my soul away...

I've forgotten the power of optimism,

and now i linger in the corners of pessimism.

and the snivelling morbid scent of death licking my breathe...

I fear the fear of fear.

2011-04-07T21:31:00.000-07:00

you escape into your dreams,
you escape into books,
you escape into the realms of fantasies.
you escape into the comfort of your reminiscences,
but ultimately, you get pulled back into the realities of the cruel world,
where happiness is but a phantasmagoria of short clips of nostalgia,
where the days are but halcyon,
where pain is reality,
where stress is a dollop of your everyday living.
oh wait, it is not just a dollop,
it is the main ingredient of the dish.

i woke up this morning feeling happy,
for one second.

then it hit me.

and now i m struggling with my identity.

yanked into a dilemma with two grave decisions to choose from.
both a parasite in my knapsack.
none provided me with comfort.

help.
help.
help.
help.

i feel as though i am dreaming.
but i am not.

i want to be dreaming,
but i am awake.

help.
help.
help.

2011-03-03T11:38:00.000-08:00

no its not gonna be like before.

i might have given up hope, but i'm not whoring my ways no more.

those days are bygone.

its ok, i don't need you since im obviously not that important to you.

i'll live my life by myself.

i can live with that since all the people i love are around me.

you can go play all your life. it's okay.

For once i thought i needed you bad,

but in fact, i've thought wrong.

i don't need you, or joe, or dan.

I've still got myself.

DR MOTO - MAD RIDE 2010 - PART 2

2011-02-22T21:34:00.000-08:00

I'm at the very end of the show!

2011-01-24T01:31:00.001-08:00

My tummy hurts from all these anger. Seriously. I NEED A FUCKING OUTLET.

2011-01-23T22:47:00.001-08:00

ARGH!! WHY DOES PERTH HAVE TO BE SO DAMN FUCKING SMALL?!!! SONS OF BITCHES!

2011-01-18T05:52:00.001-08:00

you use me. you use me and you never loved me.

Begotten Pain

2011-01-11T18:52:00.000-08:00

Now, what does Fantasia of Bonhomme means?
Fantasia means fantasy.
Bonhomme is a french word meaning Good Man.
Perhaps my sitting in front of the book with that title signifies that I am yearning badly for a good guy in my life.

But why was Adam in the picture?

Maybe, and this is just my guessing, Adam is the obstacle that is obstructing my pursuit of a good man?
How can that be though? I don't feel the same way about him anymore, and he no longer has the power to hurt me.
If anything, I'd reckon either Daniel or Joseph would be the one in my dream posing as the obstacle.

What does this mean?

Maybe, I was so traumatized by what happened between Adam and I that I've made looking for the good guy impossible to find?
But I have let it go, haven't I? I have moved on from it, haven't I?

On the other hand, maybe Adam sitting next to me signifies that he will be the one who can help me find the good guy for me? Or maybe it means that Adam is the guy? Nah, both seems a tad too far fetched.
Number 1, Adam and I do not even socialize together, much less getting his help for match making. Number 2, I feel completely different from the way I did when i loved him. And we cannot stand each other. Same goes for our parents. So that rules out any possibility between us in the future.

So this must mean that I am still deeply affected by what happened between him and I 4 years ago.
hmm....very queer indeed. It's been so long, one would've thought I've had moved on by then. Moreover, I've fell in love twice after that. Therefore, if anything, I should be more affected by the recent heartaches rather than the old ones.

Although, that could be the root of the problems.
People always refer it to, tip of the iceberg. The fully submerged part of the iceberg is so gigantic, the tip of it does not do it justice.


http://www.alaskastock.com/resultsframe.asp?txtkeys1=tip%20of%20the%20iceberg

Maybe it's time i start doing some deep deep self reflections and come to terms with my pain instead of running away.
Maybe this dream is a wake up call.

2010-12-14T17:41:00.000-08:00

You said, "You're just not the one."

All I Want For Christmas is a BOYFRIEND.

2010-12-02T17:40:00.000-08:00

u know what i'd really like?

I'd really like to have a boyfriend by Christmas..

I never got the chance to spend Christmas with a loved one ever since Adam and i split.
Every year before Christmas i get so excited because i would be anticipating spending Christmas with my partner's family, having a good old traditional Christmas. But every year, right before Christmas, we break up, and it ruined Christmas for me.

I'm like Chandler with Thanksgiving!

This sucks man.

2010-11-02T08:13:00.000-07:00

To handle any repercussions, to handle any rejections, it certainly can take alot out of a person...

I'm devoid of any optimism and once again, got myself heart broken yet again.

Good work, Jess. Finding another guy who breaks your heart.

When will you learn?

How come you keep finding yourself being with someone who cannot make an effort?

In fact, why is it an effort if he truly loves you?

It shouldn't be an effort, it should be a privilege.

Yet somehow, he don't seem to care.

My thoughts are incomprehensible and my words are incoherent.

My mind is unsettled and my heart is beating in a sporadic rhythm.

I need you and i miss you.

Where are you?

Do you care?

I'm choking on my own misery,
i hate this.
I don't deserve this.

2010-10-16T06:10:00.003-07:00

So stress i wanna bawl like a baby

2010-10-16T06:10:00.001-07:00

So stress i wanna bawl like a baby

2010-10-10T17:46:00.000-07:00

I thirst for the lifestyle.

A person's surrounding depicts her character.

Mine's an utter load of crazy partying and drunkenness and classlessness.

Sigh..

Time for a change, my dear self.

Class & Sophistication.
That's all i want.

Indeed, some deem it as arrogance,
but i chose the cup half full in this context.

Maybe i need to think about which direction i'm going to take henceforth in my life.

2010-10-06T01:42:00.001-07:00

im not happy.

2010-09-10T12:19:00.001-07:00

fuck you and everything u believe in.

2010-09-06T09:03:00.000-07:00

gotta protect myself, jess.

don't let others in anymore.

don't get hurt anymore..

don't fall in again....

.
.
.
.
.
.

It's a trap.

Believe it.

2010-08-23T10:05:00.000-07:00

Alright so i met this guy who seems to be pretty interesting, and he sussed me right out straight away. But i have a dilemma. Every guy whom i met before seems intrigued by me so they are really into me. Initially. Then when i open up to them, they know all about me, and they just lose interest. Do i really wanna get hurt again? no i dont. Maybe i should becareful with him..

To Remind Myself...

2010-08-17T05:55:00.001-07:00

LOVE? Do u want me to scoff at you?

You told me you felt nothing for me the last time we've slept together.

You don't even want to get back with me.

AND you expect me to keep loving you?

You are the one who's going out on dates with other girls when a perfectly good one is standing in front of you.

She stood by you when you acted like a complete asshole in Sydney, when you made her cry at Sydney Harbour Bridge, when you kept texting other girls even though you know she cares a lot about you, when you deserted her to meet some random chick on facebook, someone who doesn't matter to you.

She stood by you when you lied to her saying she's special and you shouldnt have to wear a condom when you are with her, and that you wore condoms when you have sex with everyone else.

She stood by you when you made up another lie about flying off to newman therefore you couldn't help her out with her moving.

She stood by you even though she caught you flirting with other girls and asking to meet her up at tiger lils when you both were still together. And when you were drunk and sick, she took such good care of you and showered you in your drunken state and placed a pail right next you in case you spew.

She stood by you even when she caught you going out on dates with other girls, hitting up other girls in clubs and smiled at you as though it's no big deal when in actual fact, she went home and cried.

She even stood by you when you stood her up so many times by saying you will drop by her place, and that afternoon itself, she had prepared everything for you- from your mouthwash, to your toothbrush, to your towel, to clean bedsheets, to the clean apartment, to the late night post coital snacks and to the breakfast.

With all that, yet you are treating me like trash.
And you still expect me to keep loving you?

It's been a year Daniel.
Enough is enough.

I keep thinking someday we are going to end up together because i feel that there's something about you that makes me want to spend my life with.
I thought that you feel that way too, because why else would you keep coming back even after a year?

I thought that the reason you couldn't find anyone in perth is because you felt that i was the most suitable person to you than everyone else, and that's why you resorted to falling for people online whom you've never even met before because that way, you could conjure this image of perfection in them when in reality, you know that they are nothing like that.

I've given and given and yet i get nothing back. No assurance that we are going somewhere, no commitments, no nothing.
And this is the point where i say, "I have had enough."

Love?
Do you even love me?
Don't you dare accuse me, or call me a whore when you don't love me.
Don't tell me you don't want to hurt me when you've shown me no respect.

I am a person with feelings and I have given so much to you without asking for anything but your assurance that we are going somewhere, and I deserve to be treated with the same respect that I gave you.

Now go, go and waste your life away with all these dates that are not going anywhere.

My Man

2010-08-04T09:00:00.000-07:00

i miss you

i was suppose to see you tonight..

but i rejected u

because i need to save some space for my dignity

i love you

why cant u see it?

do u want me to spell it out?

I need you

like how the stars need the light from the sun to shine

will you ever come back to me?

Daniel.. My man.

2010-07-12T00:40:00.001-07:00

you bought a house.

moved on to another stage of life.

left me be.

here.

missing you.

waiting for you.

Bring me, baby.

Bring me to the new chapter.

i dont like being left behind.

sigh....

2010-07-10T05:10:00.000-07:00

i rather not know about your whereabouts than to know and then worry about the people you choose around you.

the pain is still ongoing, must it really be this way with us?

2010-06-15T00:06:00.000-07:00

Is it back to the trap again?

Hit back to square one?

I think you will realise soon.

Please realise soon.

It hurts me even now.

2010-05-13T12:35:00.001-07:00

wanna scream..

wanna yell out your name..

wanna bellow out at your stupidity..

because u know ure gonna end up with me but ure making me out like a fool.

Daniel Morrison, ure so stupid.

But how i wish i can call you MY stupid man...

How i yearn for you day and night,

day after day,

night after night.

I miss you too much words can't express it.

English language, so vast yet so limited.

2010-05-08T12:42:00.000-07:00

wow i am so heartbroken its not even funny.

fuck him.

2010-05-06T11:59:00.000-07:00

crying...im crying..

aching..im aching..

so badly..

uve murdered me..

I'm living but im dying..

how did it come to this?

Am i really so terrible?

Nobody can save me..

im drowning

and im choking..

You have sucked the life out of me ...

What games are u playing?

our time...

has ended..

you've crushed it...

2010-05-03T10:58:00.000-07:00

lord, i know dans not the right one for me but cant you just make him come back to me? i know hes so right for me and i know i am so right for him. its killing me that hes not with me and its killing me to see hin wandering around with those cheap sluts. if you love me why cant you make it right for me ive tried searching but everyone is wrong for me and its tearng me apart bit by bit, flesh by flesh. i need him in my life and i know he needs me in his life. please oh please wont u help us get back together??????

Jess = Metal

2010-05-02T12:16:00.001-07:00

Facebook quiz nailed me completely. Check it out:

Look at you. Metal. You're quite the force to be reckoned with or, better yet, quite the force to reckon with. Aside from having a chilling beauty and allure about you, a reflective nature that allows for people to see themselves in you but never the actual you inside yourself, you are immune to most attacks. You have built up quite the system of defenses to keep you from being hurt, but in doing such have alienated yourself from much of the elemental world. Sure, some fiery spirit could come along and melt those walls but the real fear may come from what is left of you without them. Your place in the world: An unwavering defender of those you see worth protecting

2010-03-16T05:20:00.000-07:00

i cant handle this... these hurdles are too tough for me to bear.. i cant take it anymore. somebody wants me to go crazy. and i think theyre slowly succeeding.....

Mummy, i'm sorry.

2010-03-06T03:12:00.000-08:00

im so stressed.

mummy, i love you, but i'm sorry.

I'm not a filial daughter.

I shouldnt have leave u in the lurch.

I didnt mean to.

I have my life to lead.

And if i am where you are right now, i won't be happy.

I'm sorry.

I know i am selfish.

Please forgive me.

2010-03-02T07:48:00.000-08:00

after so long, you finally told me you want me back...

but is it really true?

Have you really realized i am the one for you, or are you saying these words just to prevent me from moving on?

So many confusions and hesitations..

I loathe the tests God gave me.

Yet i know it is for my benefit.

I know God gave these turmoils to me to make me grow up, and He wouldnt give me a task i cannot handle.

So i know i can overcome these confusions and so can you, and we will be able to derive a sensible answer when the time comes.

Time,

only time will tell...

Checklist for my perfect man

2010-02-09T09:32:00.000-08:00

1. Has to be a catholic

2. Has to be much taller than me(considering how short i am, tt shouldnt be a problem.)

3. Gotta be ripped.

4. Has to be interested in my culture

5. Has to take care of his appearance but not too metrosexual.

6. Has to speak English properly.

7. Has to be sexually attractive with high sex drive.( very very important)

8. Has to be faithful and honest and caring. (The usual)

9. Not too much of a party animal. (follow up no. 10)

10. Has to have some sort of career establishment.

11. Preferably white.

12. Has to be willing to argue with me and solve problems together instead of bitching about our relationship to others.

13. Must have a nice smile that can make my heart swoon.

To be continued...

2010-02-07T10:54:00.000-08:00

hurts.

seeing your face still pricks my heart.

leaves me breathless in a bad way.

oh sweetheart,

you belong to me.

Why can't you see that?

" awfully different without you"

sigh...

My Lord, and I

2010-02-02T03:15:00.001-08:00

My Lord, and I.

You are fearful, yet merciful.

Lord, help me through this.

Help me make the right choices and help me in my deterrence.

Forgive me when i sin, and forgive me for giving in to temptations.

My Lord, Jesus Christ,

above all things,

please help me regain my faith,

please help me in bonding us as one.

My Lord, and i.

I can lose everything in life,

but not my faith,

never my faith.

For if i lose my faith,

i'll lose my identity.

I'll lose the purpose in my life,

and forget the core of my being.

I'll be alone,

with no loving being standing behind me,

watching my safety from afar.

Your faithful daughter,

Jess.

death surmises.

2010-01-29T04:40:00.001-08:00

i fear i wont live long enough.

maybe not fearing it, just an intuition.

Perhaps not an intuition, more like a desperate plea.

Perchance not a desperate plea, rather, a hope.

Life is a four letter word.

Tough yet fragile.

Tough to outwit, but so fragile you'll lose it as and when.

So tired.

2010-01-06T00:26:00.000-08:00

oh lord... i ache, i ache so bad. it hurts so much.

i kept telling myself its just a game, a game i gotta win, and the only way i win is to push on and pretend im happu, never let sadness engulf me.

but u know what, its hard, its hard and i cant do it.

i think of him and i force myself not to, and the more i force myself not to, i end up thinking about him more.

obsession or not i dont care, i dont care what he does and who hes doing, and i dont care if he still loves me, i just wanna get over this feeling and forget him.

i need help forgetting him. i cant stop aching and i feel like i am living, but i am dying, and somehow dying seems more tolerable than having to keep living this life of emptiness and hollowness and sadness and deprivation of him.

2009-12-29T05:21:00.000-08:00

ohhhhhh i hate my life

2009-12-04T02:41:00.001-08:00

WHO SAY SINGLE IS GOOD?

SINGLE AND LOVING IT?!?!!?! ARE U FUCKING KIDDING ME?

IM SINGLE AND IM HATING EVERY SECOND OF IT!!!

AND YOU KNOW THE BEST THING ABOUT THIS IS THAT THERES ONLY ONE PERSON I WANNA BE WITH AND THAT PERSON CANT EVEN STAND THE THOUGHT OF ME!!!

WHAT A LAUGHABLE STATE I AM IN!!!

I HATE THIS I HATE MY LIFE

AND I HATE THE FACT THAT I SOUND LIKE A TEENAGER!!!

I DONT NEED TO CRY ANYMORE. WHATS THE POINT? NO ONES WIPING MY TEARS AWAY BUT MYSELF ANYWAYS.

LOVE IS TRULY A FOUR LETTER WORD.

FUCK LOVE.

FUCK DANIEL.

FUCK ADAM.

I AM NOT LETTING ANYONE HURT ME THIS WAY EVER AGAIN.

NOT EVER.

2009-11-24T00:17:00.000-08:00

such a big mistake to agree to have u spend the night..

i was doing fine.. moving on and accepting dates with guys.. finally stopped comparing them to you.

Then boom! u came back and we have this amazing connections and i could feel you and how well we are together, and even though uve got your flaws, i realized i could forego all of them just because it is you.

This amazing connection..

i cant seem to find it again..

it is my own fault that i am feeling so crappy now because i asked for it when i agreed to let you stay over...

you were vulnerable and you merely needed some comfort..

Nothing else to it..

nothing has changed...

nothing..

i have to leave you.. im sorry...

but if i dont, i know i will never forget you..

forgive me, baby...

but i cant see you anymore..

2009-11-08T08:33:00.001-08:00

its easy to hurt someone, but being the hurting party is the most difficult thing ever.

i'll never gaze at stars the same way we did.

christmas this year is just going to suck.

the 10th of november next year is going to be killing me.

i love u too much to see you with someone else.

i love u too much to live without you.

memories are the most cruel thing.

it hurts so bad..so bad. so bad..

i love u baby...

2009-11-01T03:35:00.000-08:00

please please please just get out of my life.

this is killing me...

2009-10-23T00:48:00.000-07:00

i fucking hate my life. fucking hate it. i hate it i hate it

fuck the world fuck everything around me fuck you

fuck you u fucking piece of shite head

why cant u see we're good together

why cant u fucking come to your fucking senses

why the fuck is this happening to me

why cant i get the fuck out of this shit hole now

why the fuck am i such a fucking fool

such a fucking fool for u

you sad son of a bitch

fuck u

2009-10-17T04:21:00.000-07:00

im lost,

i feel like ending it all.

im so stressed.

i need help.

help me please.

my mind is stuffed.

i dont know where to turn to, who to turn to

i find no solace anymore once again

i despise who i am

i despise where im walking towards

i despise myself

i loathe everything around me

i abhor the presence surrounding me

i detest the air i breath

Engulfing in lies and deceits and shallowness

i got swept away by it all

the tormented soul in me

is aching to get out

to be released into the open freshness

into the brightness that i once saw

the austerity of life

the simplicity of humanity

the happiness in being just

i dont know me anymore

i whore my life away

in many ways than one.

Faith,

i comprehend no more,

Love?

what is it?

Do i still?

i dont know.

Perhaps its the idea of it.

The person i thought i loved,

perchance is just another passerby i used to love.

Not the one i love.

No longer the love

But why does it hurt so bad if he is one ive no longer love?

Why does it ache in so many places?

I wept.

I wept in me

My heart bleeds

In pain i am,

dying in a living body.

save me, please, wont somebody save me?

2009-10-09T18:42:00.001-07:00

i woke up this morning,

feeling like ive lost you.

2009-10-08T06:24:00.000-07:00

"Im dating someone else"

-you said.

My heart stopped beating for a beat.

My smile froze on my face.

"Who?"

- I queried.

You started describing her in the best of lights.

My heart smashed into smithereens.

I don't wanna hear any of it.

I can't.

You've moved on,

and yet i am still here,

holding my heart out to you.

Broken, and defeated.

My tears are falling freely.

You've moved on.

I can't seem to make any sense of those words.

You don't belong to me anymore.

I can't stomach in that fact.

Torn inrepairable.

Light headed.

The air i'm breathing..

seems too thick.

My visions blurred.

My cheek stained with my tears.

I can't think straight.

Another Jess, you said,

I have been replaced.

She rang.

Her phone call is raking at my pain,

Still,

i can't break down.

I held it in.

Nevertheless,

you could see

you could feel

for i've already given you every part of me.

Now you've got me,

you know me.

I can't hide from you.

You know you broke my heart.

But where are you when i needed you?

you said you care,

but you don't really.

I can't type anymore.

Feelings are such complex hypothesis.

So much emotions can be filtering through your body at once

words can't even come close to describe it.

Irridescence are what some people feel

so many colors in the world.

Yet the only color swifting past me now are grey and black.

You took the colors away from my life the moment you left.

I am forced to walk alone.

I hate this.

Birthday.

2009-10-07T05:28:00.000-07:00

Spending birthday alone sucks.

It just highlights how lonely you are.

I hate this.

May my birthday be a busy day and i end up forgetting everything.

Hurts.

A part of me still thought ure gonna come celebrate it with me.

Guess not.

Disappointment flushes all over my body.

I hate this.

When will i be lifted off this hellhole?

I hate this.

2009-09-23T04:19:00.001-07:00

oh God..

it hurts.

2009-09-04T12:03:00.000-07:00

The family Christmas you promised...

is the biggest heartache that i am feeling now...

Don't make me fight a losing battle...

I can live without you..

But it scares me to wake up without you being next to me..

Hold my hand..

Hold my hands the way you did when we are walking through the shopping malls..

Kiss my lips..

Kiss my lips like how you did when u come over everyday after work...

Look at me..

Look at me fondly like how you did when you gave me the key to your heart...

Sing to me...

Sing to me the way you did when you sang that silly 'hot hot couldnt get no hotter' song once before....

Save me..

Wipe my tears...

2009-08-30T18:46:00.000-07:00

doing stupid things. i am so good at doing stupid things.

now ive ruined this relationship.

Why'd i keep doing these when i want this relationship to work?

WHY?!!

Cant i control myself?

Why am i such a stupidhead?!

I HATE MYSELF!!!

2009-08-27T06:17:00.000-07:00

uuuuuuuuuurgh

i hate this

so stupid

2009-08-25T08:24:00.000-07:00

so stressed...

i need money............

sigh..

gonna sell my ass soon..

actually, im seriously considering selling my ass.. good idea? no good idea?????????

I NEED MONEY SO BADLY!!!!!!!!!

2009-08-18T19:14:00.001-07:00

Sample

2009-07-29T04:43:00.000-07:00

im so disappointed in u,

why?

Do all men cheats?

Where has all the good down to earth men been?

Are all girls sluts?

Why are there so many girls out there who try to be with attached men?

what are they trying to prove?

The forbidden apples huh?

It is all Satan's fault.

cheaters.

liars.

sluts.

oh God, please take those people away from my life.

I'm crawling deeper into this abyss of cynic.

i find myself losing hope and faith

not in God, but in God's little children,

Again, exhausted from the prowl.

Exhausted from giving excuses for you, and you, and you.

Exhausted from living in denial.

Exhausted from getting hit by reality time and time again.

I'm a nice person.

Why is everyone around me so evil?

2009-07-12T08:03:00.000-07:00

i'm there, ready to make a commitment, ready to be the best girlfriend out there there ever was, ready to do everything to make this relationship works, but you're not.

2009-07-09T08:46:00.000-07:00

oh pms must be heading this direction.

feeling kinda constricted and despondent.

the woman believes that the man had cheated on her.

Signs are there, evidences are clear.

Nonetheless, she still insist on seeking defences for him.

Telling herself that perhaps, his tales are true.

Oh, but a part of her knows that she is just living in denial.

4 months into the relationship, the man told the woman that he is bored of the relationship.

Somehow, she rummaged through his mobile and caught him redhanded, flirting and texting some random girls he met online, wanting to meet her.

6 months into the relationship, the man told the woman he felt he no longer feels the same way he did one fine day.

All sanity in the woman crumbled like muffins.

She took the earliest flight back to fight for her relationship.

She knew it was a losing battle.

She couldnt eat, she couldnt sleep.

She was deprived of all inclination of performance.

Turning to God once again, she prayed. She prayed hard.

Like how she did when the ex-boyfriend broke up with her.

Thankfully, the man took the first look at her and fell in love with her all over again.

She was relieved.

But the relieve was short-liven.

They had 2 amazing make-up sex.

Then they left somewhere nice for dinner.

Thoughts and concerns and past events were exchanged.

Dinner adjourned and they left for the man's place.

Upon entering his bedroom, she spotted a condom on the bedroom floor.

It was like a punched in the stomach.

She confronted him.

He merely commented that he threw it on the floor.

Then something strikes her mind.

Before she left, she recalled there being 2 condoms in his wallet.

If one was on the floor there, unopened, where was the other one?

She asked him again.

He was hesitant and clumsy in his answering.

He said his friend had took it from him the night after they went to a pub.

His friend was to go on to a female's place and needed one, so the man gave it to him.

The woman was disconcerted and unsure of what to believe.

She assessed the situation at hand and decided to give the man the benefit of the doubt.

Later on that day, the man confessed something whilst driving.

He said the reason he refused to show the woman his mobile is because there was a female number in it.

Cold sweat gripped her rapid palpitating heart.

He revealed that he met a girl in the pub and they swapped phone numbers.

When questioned why, he said that he went forward to do that because he thought he was about to break up with the woman.

She was disappointed.

She knew what he did was wrong and his excuse is simply inexcusable.

Because at the point of time when he was at the pub chatting up girls, they were still together, even though he intended to break it off with her.

He has crossed the threshold of fidelity.

Though by slightly, nevertheless, threshold penetrated.

And that is not to mention the possibility of him actually using the condom himself as opposed to what he claimed his friend had taken it.

Oh the woman is so confused.

She know all her friends discouraged her to be with him.

But she knows sometimes people makes mistakes and if the man is willing to change and improve himself, she will be able to fight this battle with him and win.

But how is she to know if the man will change?

You have heard of this story.

In a mere 6 months, he has done wrong twice. Made 2 fatal errors by acting like a playboy who treats their girlfriends like trash.

Are feelings that elusive? Won't he be able to hang on tight to the woman instead of just telling her that his feelings changed, just after 2 weeks of apart?

Oh in such a dilemma she is indeed in!

A psychic she might need.

2009-07-07T00:21:00.000-07:00

Don't go away..

2009-07-03T02:16:00.000-07:00

fuck the world.

2009-05-17T06:10:00.000-07:00

you know the kinda feeling where ure so at peace with the world?

where u silently pray to god thanking him for giving you a life?

that contentment with him?

the perfect him...

that perfect moment..

him..

love..

cherish.....

devotion...

oh these overly used words somehow lost its meaning through the passage of time and the wear and tear it gets whenever some random scnoobs uses it...

he's not the one..

i know it..

i just know it...

sigh..

oh...

2009-03-31T05:44:00.000-07:00

I'm stressed out. (all that schmooze)

im stuffed up. Still. (god, its been like 2 days and its still going at it!)

i'm about to retched. (stupid salami seemed to have expired)

i feel like shit because of my silly period. Seem to be bleeding a lot. i wonder why.

i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i

wanna

just

fly away

and not give a toss about everything.

maybe starting anew somewhere again?

maybe...

change my identity and leave my baggages behind?

i wanna shed my responsibilities, however miniscule, and just...fly.

fly high high away.

feigning ignorance, soaking in all that naivity that children possesses.

I WANNA.............................................................................................

advance into the future and fast forward time.

i wanna sleep forever so i can avoid.

KNowledge is a type of burden that i can do without.

do without.

do with out.

do.

with.

out.

2009-03-15T05:03:00.000-07:00

fucking skank.

2009-02-21T07:57:00.000-08:00

dont make me rush into things...

give me the sensibility that i ought to have..

give me deterrence to resist..

things that starts quick ends fast..

In Remembrance

2009-01-22T02:01:00.000-08:00

Love is reading next to each other in bed

- Jason Blume

No one's gonna read with me in bed anymore..

How many out there appreciate the joy of reading, know the vast propensity of a human's imagination through the beauty of words, inhale and grasp the antediluvan musty smell of old books, and embrace the touch of the woody paper?

I found you, my soul mate who understands me, who likes to do the same thing i do...who shares the joy of reading with me..

..and when we get tired of reading, would extend his foot and nudge me gently, disturbing me from my reverie that the author conjured..

I miss you..i miss the simplicity, the austerity of what we used to have..

I miss you.. even more so when i think back on the important dates and events we partook together..

The Esplanade...

you have successfully peed all over it.

and i will never pass by the place without the thought of you.

And here i sat, typing my sadness out, in sheer raw emotions..

Thinking of the good and bad times..

And i wonder, what went wrong?

What went so wrong that you've stopped fighting?

For me, for us?

What made us split?

Us, the team that you set up.

'Honey, we're a team', these words stuck in my head, haunting my thoughts..

2009-01-04T06:08:00.000-08:00

LIKE WHAT THE FUCK?!!!!!

YOU SAID FLINGS! WHAT THE FUCK? NEXT THING I KNOW YOUR FACEBOOK IS LISTED AS 'IN A RELATIONSHIP'!!!! WHAT THE HELL?!!!!!!

JUST BECAUSE I SAID I'D RESPECT YOU MORE IF URE IN A PROPER RELATIONSHIP DOES NOT MEAN I WANT YOU TO BE IN A RELATIONSHIP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

SO IM OLD STUFF NOW HEY?!!!!!!

YOU GO ON FIND SOMEONE ELSE SO WHAT ABOUT ME? ARE U GONNA STOP CARING FOR ME NOW?!!! FINE!!!! THEN ILL JUST BE SOMEONE WHOM NO ONE CARES FOR!!! I DONT CARE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! NOT LIKE IM NOT USED TO BEING ALONE THESE 10 MONTHS WITHOUT YOU BY MY SIDE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

GO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! SHES PROBABLY A WHORE ANYWAY, GIVEN YOUR LUCK.

2008-12-31T22:41:00.000-08:00

sigh

what a big mistake

i thought he cld be the one,

im so wrong

he now holds the title of the ultimate dickhead.

i told him so many things

i share all my stories

i gave him my trust

i gave him my time

i gave him a part of me

i thought he'd returned it back

he told me he did

he lied

and he's not ashame about it

why, god, why

why am i always getting the bad guys

why am i always getting played

what am i doing wrong

he's a scumbag

scumbag

he broke my heart and he still can smile.

sigh

im so fucking weary

what am i suppose to do to get the guy tt i want who wld love me the way i love him?

doesn't true love exist anymore?

where are you, my love?

come please. come now. i need you so badly.

2008-11-21T23:30:00.000-08:00

我想我可以习惯一个人生活。。。

2008-10-25T01:18:00.000-07:00

i feel like crap.

defnitely a 2.3 today.

might be the booze last night,

might be the withdrawal symptoms too.

no known cure so far.

a mate once said, i dont have that high expectations, they just cant satisfy what ever minimal requirements i persist.

I absolutely second it.

oh guys..

what kind of silly games are you twisting around in my mind?

hanging by the thread.

dangling to and fro.

Might be better if u cut it and let me drop.

sigh..

2008-10-18T07:32:00.000-07:00

weary, im so weary..

physically and emotionally.

Chaotic nights, absence of daylight, sleeping at dawn break.

On the prowl day after day for you.

Where are you?

Are you playing a game with me, perchance hide and seek?

I have to stop playing now, im tired.

Come, i need your shoulder.

Come, i need you to wipe away my tears.

Come, i need you to hold me tight through the night.

Come, i need you to change my universe.

Come, i need you now.

2008-08-21T13:22:00.000-07:00

im so disappointed my heart couldve touched the floor and get dragged whilst i walked on with pretense smile.

sigh.

nobody will know how disappointed i am.

because............

i

love

singing

and

i

know

i

am

better

than

some

of

them

who

got

into

finals.

SIGH..

2008-06-14T05:54:00.000-07:00

my most beloved ones have got their boyfriends and every time i take a little peep into their lives, bouts of envious desires creeps upon me.

they are so lucky to have found a guy they love who loves them.

when will it be my turn?

It is the paradox of how glad i am for them as oppose to how sad i deem my love life.

Littlest Brother

2008-05-11T10:17:00.000-07:00

My father gave me a little brother one day.
Then he took him away as abruptly as when he gave.

I dont know why he did that.

My mother told me that recently he has been telling my brother and sister about bringing my little brother along for excursion and such.

She was furious.

My sister were in the same car as him the other day.
She told my mother that he was very rude.

My heart ached.

If he were to be under my tutelage all these while, i believe he wouldnt be this way.

Father hinted to want my little brother back home with us all to both my siblings.
Both of them refused to accept him as part of the family.

Mother warned me that should father ever suggested to me about my little brother, i should bluntly refuse the acceptance.

But...

I miss him and he is my brother.. I love my father and i want him to be happy.

But...

If i were to allow my father to bring little brother back, i would be betraying my mother.

Either way I am betraying one of them.

Why does it have to be this way?

Arent family supposed to be a permanent sojourn of comfort and familiarity?

2008-04-25T17:58:00.000-07:00

I never knew how much my family likes you until now, which came by way too late. :)

You're still the nemesis of my past.

2008-04-14T20:31:00.000-07:00

i skipped test today.
ive never done that before.
never in my life.
why did i do that?
whats wrong with me?

2008-03-11T21:28:00.000-07:00

i gave you my all..all that i could give.
why did u walked out on me?
B.A.S.T.A.R.D

2008-02-18T01:06:00.000-08:00

Today marks the one week of our break up.
The 'healing process' definitely is going through as per normal.
It breaks my heart knowing he's working through his heartbreaks so rationally.
Saddens me completely to know tt in his heart, he knows he will get through all the aches soon.
But in my heart, im looking at a different direction on the knowledge that i will get through.

God forbids i move on because i dont want to.
I know i want to reconcile with him.
God, i pray that Adamson will be safe and come back to me.
My Lord, please send him back to me.
I can only ask this of you now.

2008-02-13T00:52:00.000-08:00

There is no point hogging on to the sad depressive pains.

Everyone kept saying,' dont think so much, try to keep ur mind on something else'

but no.

It is definitely not easy thinking about something else when the biggest thing that ever happened to u comes crashing down.

A moment of pain in exchange for a learning experience.

If you put it that way, the pain probably is worth the experience.

But who has ever experienced something so magical that they held on to so tightly and never want to let go, even though every grasp hurts their hand?

The rope burns excruciate bouts of prolonging pains, and yet, i persevere on.
He is someone i love.
I told God, i would give up my life for this relationship.
God himself would know how much this means to me.
I believe God wouldn't make me sad.
If i keep praying with a pure heart, He would listen right?

I'm so afraid, God.
Why have u put me through so much pain?
Why through and through?

I know karma exist, and this is my comeuppance for the mean and evil things i've done in the past.
God, im willing to face each and every one of your punishment.
But God, please don't take the only thing that ive ever wanted from my life.
Punish me with all the pains and aches that's bound to come, but please, let Adamson and i be able to work out our problems at the end of it all. Let him love me and come back to me.
God, please dont do this to your child.

And in the name of the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirits, I pray,

Amen.

2008-01-21T20:45:00.000-08:00

Passion fades.

In the heat of it all, a man could make a flower bloom during winter.

After it goes away, he can't be bother no more.

He left with foot prints manifested into the snow.

I fell to the ground and wept for loss love.

Is he going to turn back and pick me up?

Or will someone amble by and stretch out a helping caring hand?

Will it really go away?
How about the old couples that still manage to look at each other and smile..
knowing full well they've never regret missing out on all the loss opportunities that they've sacrificed because of each other?

I'm trembling in fear.
What if i'll never to experience the love that true lovers have?
What if i'll never find the one, the Right one?
What if i am stuck in this never ending abyss that completely sucked me dry?
What if i'm destined to be with someone who'll never face me, who always looked past me at the mirror?

Things changed drastically after one short trip, one short departure.
The man believed it's nothing, but the woman beg to differ.
She's suffering under depression day after day, undergoing pain night after night.
How can nothing be wrong when she's going through such agony?
How can he not be able to sense her heart aches?

She's a romance at heart.
He's a man of steel.
She thought she could be the one to melt the metal, and weld some flowers and sweet nothings into his non-palpitating heart.
She once could.
Is she still capable of doing so?

2008-01-19T10:46:00.000-08:00

God, why have u set me up in such a relationship?
God, why have u put me through so much pain?
God, my Father, please release me from these pain staking memories with Adamson.

Or rather, Father, please make this right for us again.
We're two gone-astray souls that need your guidance.

I've gave up all my dignity and pride.
And here, i bow down to your feet asking humbly for you to work your magic with he and i.

Dont make this hard for me, for him, for us.
Let our strengths strengthen as we grow together.

God, this i pray..
in hope that you will hear and help.
Amen.

2008-01-17T09:26:00.000-08:00

Triangle, Squares, Circles, Hexagon..
none of these make sense to me.
Double troubles roubles marbles
I think im going derange picturing the beautiful painting.

Painkiller kills the physical pain.
But the mental aches are thumping steadfastly.
Valium cures the anxieties.
But the heart still needs tending.

I would not commit myself to the end.
That would end up hurting people who needs me around.
But round it up the other way,
who needs me around?

Dad, Mom, Sis , Bro, Adamson, Estee, Cousin.

One's got two families, two much to handle.
One's too self involved to care.
One's probably too glad that she's got more time to her hands.
One's already gave up in the family.
One's admitted 'I' is too big a letter to sacrifice anything for it.
One's got her own life to lead, and the other one's got too.

Maybe some day i'll go, maybe someday they will realize this post.
Maybe someday someone would genuinely care,
and when that day come, i know i would genuinely smile again.

Help me find him soon.
Don't let me be alone.
Don't let me hurt so long.
Don't let me cry a million times.

My Saving Grace,
shine your lights on me.
Take the darkness away.
They are too prevailing, as like the pain.

Oh Lord,
perhaps you're the only one who care.
Perhaps i should go to you.

But meanwhile, God,
Please guide me right.

2008-01-03T00:37:00.000-08:00

oh my god this hurts so much.

seeming as though youve left me even though we're still together.

oh my god somebody, anybody, please help me.

ive given everything.

i dont know what else to do.

help.

help me.

2007-12-02T11:05:00.000-08:00

oh my god, how did all these happened?

Father, why'd you let these things happen to me?

Father please make everything easier for adam and i.

Father please.

Stories

2007-11-06T11:42:00.000-08:00

Its a long story.

Story one:

You thought one is so, yet turn of a century, she's another.

They all are.

I trusted her too easily.

I gave her my story.

By now, two's to know.

I don't like them.

While i'm sleeping, they are outside plotting against me with their vicious words.

Story two:

He kept saying wonderful phrases that entices me.

I gave him my story.

He turned his back against me.

Like all others.

I don't like him either.

He asked like the others.

Curiosity leads to an ostensible care.

But no, one knows its not care because he retreated right after my story.

He pointed his sharp edge of the sword in my face.

I was petrified.

For once i realized i've spoken too soon to this man.

I stood shivering on the spot, afraid of what's to come my way.

Story Three:

Now as i relate my fears to you,

listen and lock it.

Don't spread.

Your words have the power to pierce even without a blade.

And now as i type, i hear the birds chirpped.

They say it's a happy sound.

They are wrong.

Don't let your guard down.

Remember this and remember hard,

they are only pretending.

2007-10-05T21:57:00.000-07:00

hai...............stupid birthday..........
no one here to celebrate it with me.....

Lament

2007-09-19T10:34:00.000-07:00

一个是妈妈一个是弟弟，要我说什么呀？

我爱妈妈，觉得爸爸很对不起她，可是弟弟生病，我不想弟弟有事呀，真么办？

护着谁才好？

22号是弟弟的生日，也是我回来的日子，Adam 已经来带我了，又要我叫爸爸来接我，就是不要爸爸跟弟弟过生日，

我也不想爸爸和那死三巴老在一起，可是并且说来说去还是我的弟弟呀，

我也想他有个好的一个生日过，但你不要，而且你又是我的妈妈，要我真么做？

为什么会这样子？

2007-08-23T02:10:00.000-07:00

Sometimes its just really hard to sum up the feelings i have,
the thoughts i conjured, and basically, how i truly feel.
Living alone is a hell lot of craphole, and Adam isnt around, sometimes it can get so overwhelming it tears you completely asunder.

Home. Where is home exactly?
For me, home is right where Adam is.
No matter where we go, so long as im with him, i feel completely safe.
He's my home, my sojourn, my solace and my completion.

He told me to listen to this song, Home, by buble.
He told me he cried listening to it.
we share synonymous sentiments.
And here, as i am not yet home, but coming back home in 2 days time, shall dedicate this song, again, to him.

Honey, its tough in Taiwan, sorry i wasnt more understanding.
But I know u'll pull through, because ure Adamson.
Nights of incessant missings and cryings,
now as youre seeing this, you know it's all worth it,
for im probably upstairs showering,
or sitting next to you bugging you to concentrate on spending more time with me.
Yes, that smile on your face,
keep it.

We'll make it through, i know we will,
for we're a team, and we always have been, always will be, indefinitely.
No, ive never bailed out on you,
and whilst u were crying, i was welling up on the other end as well,
cuz it breaks my heart hearing u cry.

Sweetheart,
we'll make it through,
because i know you're the one for me.

2007-08-18T13:30:00.000-07:00

Those deceptive words has lasted for a year and 2 months.

Just 1 more chance.
1 last chance to prove me wrong.
1 last chance to change your behaviors.
1 last one is all you're asking for.

So many.
So many lasts.

I love you honey,
but all your lies are wrecking both of us.
It's slowly burning me alive.

What a perfectly sculpted relationship.
But i hit it with metal,
then theres a hole.
Oh why did i do that?
Its no longer perfect.

I tried covering the hole up.
It's never the same anymore.
I'm sorry.

The next attack arrived.
So comes the next, and the one after that.
Oh wait, its not me now..its you.

Slowly, slowly,
the perfect relationship became imperfect.
So many cuts and wrecks.
We cant do anything about it anymore.

Its ugly now.
Its no longer perfect.
We've ruined it.
We've ruined it bad.

Too late to turn back and undo our mistakes.
What are we gonna do?
Oh what are we gonna do honey?

I'm completely disparaged.
you've taken everything from me.
I love you honey,
whyd you have to go and lied to me?
I told you time and time again,
Trust and Honesty are the most important thing in a relationship.
You promised never to tarnish either.
But you did.
You did for so many times.
Im tired.
Im so very tired of it all.
Im tired of having to forget everything and
I'm tired of having to completely brainwash myself into thinking tt i can keep trusting u
and that ull never ever lie to me again, ever again.
I'm so tired.. God only knows how much ive gone to have to keep believing in you against all odds.
If you truly loved me, you wouldnt have hurt me like this.

Now uve left me hanging,
I dont wanna live on a pack of woven lies anymore.
And yet,
i still love you.
I cant bear to let go,
of us, of our history, and of our future.

No more beautiful words,
no more planning on how to structure my words,
these are all from the deep bottom of my heart.
Its aching,
Its crying,
Its bleeding.

How can u put someone you love into a tormented state like this?
Why did it in the first place?

My tears are flowing as im typing,
its clouding up my visions,
as like how ur actions clouded my sanity.
Tell me,
where do we go from here?

You've always managed to twist the truth into your lies,
like how everytime i confront you,
you turned the tables over.
And in turn, it became my fault.

Does it make you happy for me to bow down in contemplation for you?
For me to think that im the one who should be looking down on the ground for the actions youve done?
For me to be shedding tears that you couldve so easily avoided if only u weren't so tempted by other people?
How can u ever say you love me without looking down, with all the lies you said, all the truths you hidden, all the deceptions you put me through?
Im so disappointed in you,
i thought it was you.
I wanted it to be,
turns out,
you washed out the painting.
And now im left with,
but whites on my canvas.

2007-06-24T05:05:00.000-07:00

Something abysmal happened.
It left me gapping wide eye open mouth at it.

Not the best feeling in the world, where i'm at, knowing so many things at one time and not knowing how to cope with it.
Its like an abyss trying to drag me into its ebony nothingness, all the while having me sobbing and beseeching it to stop.

I woke up this morning with the most idiosyncrasies of dreams.
Groggily i checked my mobile for messages received, going back therafter. 9am.

Woke up again, with the faint sound of knocking.
Someone was knocking on the walls. It was 10am.
I cursed the hammerer and forced myself back towards my phantasmagoria of consciousness. Before i fell back sleeping again, i checked my phone to see if he's awake.

Then it was 11am when i awoke again.
This time it was pure neurosis that got me out of sleep, wondering why i was left neglected.
Telling myself it was probably nothing, and i was being too paranoid again, i gripped my small bolster tight and went back to sleep again, tugging my quilt niftily against my chest so i was all wrapped up in the safety cocoon of my own bed.

Finally, i couldnt escape reality with sleep anymore, i laid wide awake at 12.
I messaged him and prompted his reply.

Seconds turned to minutes and i got worried.

I was in tears.
I bawled and sobbed and wept and cry and was so distraught i started heaving and crying at the same time.
Things are so different after just one night.
One night of mistakes and irrationalities and near-closures.

I was so afraid to call someone else for fear that he might call me back.
I just lay there sobbing, wetting my pillow and hair, letting my most vulnerable side took over completely.
I lost all senses of composure.

At that moment all i wanted was for him to wrap me tight and tell me everything is going to be alright, and that nothing is going to tear us apart.
I want him to love me and care for me, the way he used to.
But then all i have were my soft pillows and stuff toys that enveloped around me.
I seek no comfort in them for they are mere items that bear no feelings.

I once wrote, ' how can the person who is worth your tears be the only one who made you cry?'
I dont know, i really dont.

He finally messaged. Friendly.

Friendly is good right?
It is certainly better than being cold and demeaning.
But i felt so very hurt by his friendliness.
I don't want friendly.
I want love.
I want him to be who he was with me, not how he is with others.

Estee said i deserved it.
I have to go through it, because i brought it upon myself.
I wouldnt have put it more correctly myself.
Not to say, blatantly too.

But all i wanted was to know that through ordeals, you will not turn your back against me, having me pushing u ahead with me.
I need to know youre standing beside me.
I need to know that you, of all people, will never give up on me, never put up that pretense u have with the world, and i need to know, as like you once did long ago in another different dream of mine, that we are walking towards the same bright light.

Mistakes, how cruel this very word can be.

You once made one, sought for a second chance.
So did i.
We clambered out of it, finally.
Because we're a team.
You and me against the world, remember?

I hope we still are.

2007-06-23T08:01:00.000-07:00

I did something really terrible. I slapped you. Things went hay wired after that.
It’s irreversible.
You’re talking to your mum and dad now. I’m so worried. I’m so worried they won’t allow us to be together. I’m worried they wont like me anymore.
Things changed after I slapped you.
We’re no longer working towards happily ever after.
You love me. You said so.
But it felt different.
I’m in complete haphazard now.
I’m distraught.
I’m so afraid.
Its déjà vu prior to a guy getting rid of me again.
Are you going to get rid of me as like everyone else?
I’m so afraid.
You said you don’t wanna marry me.
Your parents don’t think I am worthy of you anymore.
But I want to be with you.
Oh why did I do what I did?
It’s irreversible.
And I love you so.

2007-05-28T05:09:00.000-07:00

I guess ultimately it still boils down to one question.
At the end of it all, who will be there for you truly?
At wits end, the only person who without a doubt, still stick by you is the only one that u can rely on.
I'm not saying it can only be one person.
Might be two might be three, and if youre lucky enough, a whole team will back you up.
Im not so lucky, i turned around and it's a whole black pool of darkness.

"we're a team honey", you said.
"i'd fight for all i have in this relationship", you said again.
I thought you will too.
I thought nothing can falter the both of us so long as we've got each other.
I thought wrong.

you said to deal with it.
i said too but apparently your problems are far more superior than mine.
dealing with it just wont help.
I paid aud 800 you paid sing 1000.
i didnt complain but you did.
because you have to work for it.
but i already ask 600 from my dad the last month and he said he wun help me pay bills anymore, if i exceed my spendings i will have to sort it out myself.
Oh you didnt know?
i didnt tell you?
Thats cuz when i wanted to tell you, you said you have your own problems to deal with.
Im left to deal with it.

Through this i can finally see what kinda of person you are.
You promised me the impossibles, you illustrated the wondrous-es.
All are, but lies.

I held that photograph, i saw that smile, and i visualize that facade.
You were a dream come true, indeed you were...but..a dream.

Delirious. I love.
Disparaged. I am.
Disappointed. I felt.

2007-04-29T05:15:00.000-07:00

theres no one out there who can ever replace you...
must it be like this, huh?
why is everything blowing out of proportions?
why are you leaving me?
who will fend for me for now on?
what about the promises of never leaving me?
what about the promises of fighting for what we have with all youve got?
where are you now?
come back to me.
i love you.

Guys=Trouble

2007-04-29T01:35:00.000-07:00

I've dreamt of my own kingdom, the one knight claded in shiny armor with his galloping dark horse and sword chasing me down that green sea, scooping me up with minimal strength(but of course, in order to do that, he's gotta be really strong cuz im really heavy!) and laid me gently upright on his lap. Then he'll push up his head set thingy and planted a firm masculine kiss on my lip, and of course, i'll act surprise and kiss him back with a feminine fragility that only medieval ladies can muster. Then we'll live happily forever, I'll bear him a handful of little princes and princesses who'll never grow up, I'll look the same as i do when i just met him 20 years ago, and he'll be the brave conquerer who never seem to change out of his armor suit.

Of course, who doesnt want a life like that? But sad real life story, we're all suckers for problems. We just suck it all up. The pain, the agony, the heartaches, the betrayal, the reality of men and their philandering ways. It's stupid. Why do we girls always invite stupid guys like this into our lives? Why bother falling in love when we know they are such craphole who will end up hurting ourselves? I'd reckon never to fall in love with another guy anymore. I mean it!!!!

2007-01-05T21:09:00.000-08:00

It antagonized me to have people maligning me just because i might seen as the bad guy, which in fact, im not.
Take for example, earlier on today, i was simply holding on a cane giving my sister vocal tutelage. And when my father walked in, he absent-mindedly accused me of bullying my sister. It's like, of all things, he could've have questioned what were we doing, and why was i holding on to a cane? Why the fuck did he have to accuse me so frivolously? It's querulously annoying. He ruined my day just like that, yet again.
I despise him.
Oh yes, not to mention that stupid wasted trip he so fervourly caused yesterday.
I haven't told ya'll about it?
We were supposed to buy my laptop so i can use when im in Australia. (mind you, i had to keep reminding him it's physically impossible to lug the whole CPU and monitor system half-way across the globe, and that a laptop is indefinitely a requisite.)
And when he could have bring me there at 3pm, which is a very comfortable time for all of us, he dragged the whole thing back to nearly 430pm, when they shops are just about to close.
Alright, nevermind, he's the ATM.
So, we were in the car, my father, my sister and i. And i specifically told him to go straight to Sony Shop, because no matter what, they would have the stock there.
Guess what? a stubborn mule he is, he decided to go elsewhere. So we went to 3 places, all of which were futile because either they dont sell, or they do not have imminent stock. So when i finally remind him that Sony Shop has the goods,
he said ,' im tired, i need to sleep. Lets do it tomorrow."
Which, naturally infuriates me, because 'tomorrow' is a Saturday. Everyone works half-day in Saturdays. And he sleeps till mid-noon to one pm. So by the time he get ready, all the shops would've been closed for the day. And then, we'll have to wait till Monday. Which also means the last 3 weeks of my staying here. And I still have so many things to sort out, who was he to make me fret over laptops and mobiles when i could've worry bout more important things like whether i've secured a place to stay once im there, or whether my flight is properly booked?
Honestly, i despise him.
I cant wait before he gets old and i'll stand tall by his bedside, looking down upon him and telling him:' Look, the reason why this bitch is standing right here cursing you is all because of you and your ill breeding skills. If you'd just do your part for all of us, and showered us with care and attention, not to mention, love, this wouldn't be the ending for you.'

This keeps going on and youre no longer my dad, you'll only be a father.

Once I Did.

2006-11-20T01:56:00.000-08:00

' Who are you to use so much of my money?' He said.
'Im your daughter!' I retorted.

Guess being family meant drawing a fine line between one another's money. I cant believe he don't wanna see me as much as i want to see him. Forking out 400 bucks to see a daughter every month isnt that big a deal right? Considering the fact that u earn more than RM10,000 a month. Guess what he said to my wanting to come back home every month?

'I'll pay you coming back once every year.'

I can only come back home once every year. There's more than 3 segment of holidays every year, and i can only come back ONCE.
I guess i dont mean as much as i think i do in his eyes.
To think he called me his princess. Maybe he meant in antithetical perspective.

Once, i've idolize him with all my heart. He's the root of the family. He's one of my creator. He's the one who was there for me on the first day of kindergarten, first day of primary school, and first day of secondary school. He was my only friend when no one else likes me. I seek comfort in him.
Then everything changed.
He no longer talks to me. He's no longer interested in my school work. If i ever did badly for my studies, all he would say is ' why are you so stupid?'. He didnt ask about my school life like he did in the past, he didnt tell me to inform him if ever i get bullied in school. He couldn't care less.
He used to come into my room every night, just to see how i was doing and whether i have been a good girl.
Now he come back late at night, and get straight to his room without an utter.
He has detach himself from the family.
Remove the roots and what do u get? A wilted plant.
He made her sad every day. He made them confuse about his love. He made me lose all sense of respect for him.

Through the pains, ive steeled myself. I no longer wept, even when im hurting so badly. Somhow, ive converted all my tears to anger. Now, whenever i feel pain, i lashed at people, i bellowed at them. Now, even though im hurting, i feel no wetness on my cheeks. Now, ive learnt not to trust every word he says. Because he lied. He lied to the people who loved him most. He lied to his first born, his legacy shall he moved on, me.

He single-handedly moulded me into a cold heartless person. He brought out the cynic in me. He showed me the life he created for me isnt as beautiful as he once promised it would.

I used to cry. I used to crack my brain for ways to unite all of us. I used to love him.
Perhaps somewhere along the line, I've blinked away the tears and resigned.

2006-11-08T09:52:00.000-08:00

Man told woman,' This Affair i had before wanted to talk to me because she's suffering from amnesia due to exam stress. She's popping pills and i dont want her to take unhealthy pills. She also said she wanted to grab a drink with me after her exam.'

Man assured woman Affair meant nothing anymore.

Woman thought, affair?!
But she kept quiet.

Man sensed something was wrong, so he questioned woman,' are you cool with it?'

Woman thought, you think? How can i be cool with it? You and her had a thing before? Now she wants to talk to u, OF ALL PEOPLE, and late late late at night? (*note: Nighttime is the best time to fall in love.) Grab a drink? What the heck for?

Woman said:' I'm fine.'

Still sensing something was off, man persisted.

'You sure? you sound really unhappy.'

Woman, not wanting man to feel all bad, knowing in her heart that 90% of her negativity is due to harmless insecurites. Plus the fact that at the start of the relationship, she too, had the same problem, she called some other guy late at night to talk when she couldnt get to sleep. So she strongly believed she was in no position to restrict man's actions.

So she said,

'nah, im fine.'

Man getting really irritated with her i-am-fine-s that he said,

'Argh! i shouldn't have told you! If you're not fine, just tell me. If you don't want me to meet her, or call her, just tell me.'

Woman, still believed that shes in no position to state her stand, stood by her answer. Knowing somewhere inside her that she's hurting really bad, whatever for, shes not sure. But one thing's for certain, she's got amnesia too, which explains why she's always sleeping so late. Because she afraid of not being able to sleep. And she was just thinking of getting sleeping pills earlier that afternoon. Yet, sadly, man doesn't know, and he only cares about some other affairs.

'don't worry, im really fine.'

Man was sweet. He replied,
'youre my girlfriend, of course i will worried!'

Woman completely detached herself from all of her emotions, telling herself shes in no position whatsoever to argue. If man has a friend in trouble, he should help her. She should not let her insecurities get in the way. Yes, she might be able to stop man from helping this Affair, but what about the next one that comes along? Is she going to react this way again? How long will this last? Man isn't someone who can be caged up, she'll have to let him roam and trust him purely based on her own instinct one day. Why not now?

But on the other hand, she knows deep down that she would never be able to trust a man, any man, with another girl. And problem is, man has alot of past affairs and friends. Some day, someone will ask him out again, that part is inevitable.Then what is she going to react to that? The same way she's reacting now, or allowing man to go out, knowing everything will probably be fine?
Can she handle another such confessions, another such scenarios?

She don't think so.

She believed theres no other way but to escape from it all- but dare she? Is it all worthwhile missing all the good things the relationship is bringing, and is about to bring, just to escape?

She's doesnt know. She's so confused. She's so sad. She's cant fight her true neurosis.

Can she handle all the memory flashbacks alone?

She kept telling herself, i'm going abroad anyway, this relationship is going to be a doomer anyhow. I can't even see myself growing old with him. Why not end it all now before it gets even more painful?

What's she gonna do? should she escape or persevere? Can she handle it? Would she be able to handle it again?

She started crying silently, her heart breaking asunder.